“I will always hold my beautiful son Joshua in my heart.”
Joshua Schmidt, 03/20/2015 to 03/26/2015, Trisomy 13, Eureka, CA
I found out I was pregnant at the end of October and because I had just went through a miscarriage this was amazing news. I was the happiest I had ever been. Despite the fact that I no longer had a partner my life was finally coming together. At 9 weeks I got to see my beautiful baby on an ultrasound perfect heartbeat and all.
Everything was perfect. I was happy.
During my pregnancy everything was normal. Every ultrasound more perfect than the last. And on January 9th I found out my little bean was a beautiful baby boy. I had known all along that he was. I had finally decided on a name. Joshua Stanwood Schmidt. A perfect, strong name.
We had picked a date for the baby shower, we were starting birthing classes, we had just done the glucose test. Everything was so normal. Until the genetic testing came back. There was a possibility for spinal abifida. My whole world was shattered. They got me down to SF for more ultrasounds, there was nothing wrong with his spine, but the saw something abnormal with his heart. So weeks later we drove back down and there was nothing visibly wrong with his heart either. Thank god, everything was normal again.
At 29 weeks I was diagnosed with preeclampsia. My whole body was swollen, my blood pressure was through the roof, and Joshua wasn’t moving anymore. That night the medi-evaced me to SF’s children hospital. I was alone and completely terrified. I had no idea what to expect. When I arrived they set me up in a room and gave me the low down.
1. I had preeclampsia.
2. I may have to deliver at any moment.
3. Joshua just wasn’t doing what he was supposed to be doing this far along.
His heartbeat was flat. He wasn’t moving as much. Which could only mean he was unhappy inside me, and was very stressed.
They told me they wanted to try and hold Joshua in there until 34 weeks. Which meant I had 6 weeks in the hospital.
My family finally arrived the next day and it was all a waiting game.
The doctors told us that for right now everything looked okay. They took me off unnecessary medication and I was finally able to get up and around. My family decided to go home and return in a couple of days. That next day they came in and did an ultrasound. It was time for Joshua come. I called my family immediately and told them to come this way now. Exactly and hour later I was wheeled out of the room for an emergency Ceserian section. After over 30 minutes of cutting, Joshua was out. At exactly 10:30 am. I was sewed up and sent into the recovery room. All I could think about was Joshua. When they finally moved me to a room my family got there. All I wanted to do was meet my little man. But they made me wait until the next day.
The pediatric doctor came in the evening and told me that Joshua had some severe abnormalities. They were pointing towards trisomy 13 or trisomy 18. My whole world fell apart. But I refused to let myself believe that I was going to loose my baby boy after so much waiting. They did the testing and we had to wait a whole weekend to find out. I hoped and prayed that it wasn’t what it was. I spent every single day with him. On Tuesday March 24 they pulled us into a conference room and told us that it in fact was trisomy 13. My heart shattered into a million pieces. I was going to loose my whole world. After the initial shock I went in and I held my son for the first time. And he opened his eyes to say hello to me. His beautiful blue eyes. He held onto my finger. He knew that I was his momma.
They gave us our options. We could see where it went, meaning keep him hooked up to all the machines, have him in a large amount of pain and suffering. Or pull the breathing tube and let him go on his own. I didn’t know what to do at first but holding him in my arms, skin to skin watching him suffer I knew what the right thing to do was. I spent 3 days holding him. Letting all of my family and friends hold him. Know him. And on Thursday the 26th I held him in my arms outside as they pulled the breathing tube out. I held him as he took his last breaths. As we watched the sun go down. I didn’t want him to die in a hospital, I wanted him to pass in the peace and comfort of my arms with the beautiful sky watching over us. I wanted his spirit to be free.
The next day we drove home. And it was the hardest thing in the world to do. I felt like I was leaving the biggest part of me behind.
Days later I started planning his funeral. Making all the arrangements. Making sure our last farewell was perfect. And on April third I laid my son to rest.
There are no words to describe what it’s like to loose a child. None at all. But he is at peace now. He is in the arms of my grandma Debbie wherever we go after we pass. I will always hold my beautiful son Joshua in my heart. He made me the mom I always wanted to be and I am so grateful I got to know him.